BLOG – Part Two
A welcome change, which led from bad to worse, not better
Eventually, we started to return to the office part-time and what an absolute delight that was…
…finally, I was able to get to know my colleagues properly and that was also when some things became apparent that I hadn’t known beforehand. Sometimes, when I was in a ‘friendly spell’ with my director, I would see her laying into one of my colleagues and I was let into the team secret that this was just the way she was. They’d always be one member of the team who was ‘persona non gratis’ and would get the rough side of her temper.
Indeed, apparently, she was much better than she used to be and had been sent on several anger management courses. It was also about that time, as I was getting to know everyone and building real friendships, that by chance I discovered that those ‘other members of staff who had complained about my work’ actually hadn’t and had nothing but positive things to say about me and my work. Mmmm.
The irony of this, though, was that instead of thinking there was a real problem here and I needed to get out, by discovering that it was nothing personal and we were all in it together made it seem far more bearable. We humans are very good at finding a way to deal with the status quo. It even helped bind the team together more closely as we all had each other’s backs. Not a great work environment but, sadly, a common one.
And, yes, we did continue like this for some time. The wider department grew and our director became ever more stressed, short of time and difficult to access when needed. Something had to give, and in mid-2023 a decision was made to employ a new mid-level team leader, between us and the director. On paper I could and should have applied for that role – and stood a very good chance of getting it but, again, the fact I considered it and decided not to apply is telling.
Suddenly, however, there seemed to be light at the end of the tunnel and, as with any job, this was one of the ‘up’ phases and I still very much believed (I still do!) in what the charity does, and so I – yet again – gave them the benefit of the doubt and another chance, thinking things would only get better from now on. It’s amazing how often you can give someone, or something, that benefit of the doubt!
It was about this time that my two closest friends in the team left. One had had enough and got a job elsewhere and the other moved across to another department in the same charity. Sadly for her, although the faces changed, nothing else did and she also left a few months later. Believe me, I could write a book about the dysfunctional way this charity treats its staff, but the tale you are reading now is just about me and my journey. Perhaps another time…
In my last annual review, just before the new team leader started in August 2023, I was told I was doing a superb job and asked never to leave. And I’ve just checked it to make sure I hadn’t imagined that. I hadn’t!
Things with the new team leader seemed pretty good initially – at least now we all had a buffer between us and our difficult and sometimes angry director. Much of the team now was new and early-career, leaving just me and a (very!) long stayer who knew the ropes.
There were many changes brought in for the better, including regular weekly one-to-ones, and our new boss seemed to have our backs when, in a meeting, the long stayer tried to metaphorically throw one of the new staff under a bus. Our team leader pushed back and stood up for them. Yes!
There were red flags though. The worst one for me was the need, now, to run everything I’d written past her first. And she ALWAYS made changes. After a long career writing for different audiences and purposes I should have had the courage of my convictions but no, she was the new boss, so I accepted her changes with good grace.
Her other favourite trick was to move goal posts. You’d be asked to do a task, and you’d do it and do a good job. But then you’d be told that wasn’t what she’d wanted at all and things had changed. One day I was feeling braver and/or more pissed off than normal and I pushed back. To be told that in my senior role it was up to me to constantly check that the goalposts hadn’t been moved. Perhaps she was right, but it left me feeling as if I was constantly walking a tightrope, never quite knowing when she’d find fault in anything – everything – I was doing, and at the same time slowly but increasingly eroding what little confidence I had left.
It first came to a head in February last year. I’d stayed up until 3am putting together a table of case studies that we’d all understood someone else on the team would be doing. They (guess who – the long stayer) happily informed me 30 minutes before the end of the day that our team leader had decided I should do it. I checked, indeed they had, and we needed it for a big meeting the following morning. Just no-one had thought to tell me. My husband was away with his work on the other side of the world, and we ended up having a long Teams call. I told him I was desperately unhappy but he pointed out that we simply couldn’t afford for me not to work, so grin and bear it, treat it as a 9-to-5 and start looking for another job. After all, he reminded me, I’d always said this was never going to be a permanent job, the time was ripe for me to start plotting my escape.
Anyone who has tried applying for jobs while working full time knows that it’s hard going. Getting that CV up to date and fit for purpose, adapting both that and crafting the cover letter to each and every different role is a full-time job in itself. I had a job, a regular income and I thought I could just go through the motions and get out in good time. I was naïve, though, as it was about to get much worse.
I thought I was hiding my unhappiness well, but that feeling of dread wears you down. I didn’t see it, but my friends and family did, but only now do I know that. I wasn’t sleeping well, I was piling on weight, life was just not much fun anymore. I knew I had to maintain a stiff upper lip and just get on with it, after all we couldn’t afford for me to walk out.
Then my team leader did something which, looking back on it, was a good thing – it was so bad it became the turning point for me. I had put together a short press release and, of course, had to run it past her. It was another of those dreaded, unscheduled Teams calls. As the camera switched on she was literally shaking with rage and started by spitting out at me “Can you not write?”
She completely rewrote the release, and went into long and vicious detail about how useless I was. As a last resort, she said, I was being sent on a press release writing training course as I was obviously incompetent. I had that day out in London at a training centre, only to be asked by the trainer why on Earth was I on the course, as I was obviously highly skilled and surely it was a complete waste of my time and the charity’s money? Oh, and I was too far gone to take subsequent delight in the irony that our director had rewritten my boss’s rewrite of my press release almost verbatim back to what I had originally written. I can thankfully smile now, though.
I was in turmoil, I knew I needed to get out, but I was terrified knowing that I couldn’t just leave, and how rightfully argumentative my husband would be. I needed to get another job, but it just wasn’t happening, especially as we were inching towards school summer holidays when the job market bottoms out.
I dreaded every interaction with my boss, and it was in one of those weekly one-to-ones that the decision was made for me. I steeled myself for a half-hour talking down and finding fault. But no, it wasn’t too bad, at least by current standards, a list of things to do was given, little discussion was had, but she insisted on guiding me every single step of the way through each task as obviously I was not able to do a good job. I was beginning to genuinely fear for my job, I got the distinct impression that she was positioning me so that she could claim I was not fit for purpose for the role.
RED FLAG 3 – Having lies told to me to make me feel worse. It was only by chance that I discovered that the complaints from certain colleagues had never been made. A shocking management technique.
RED FLAG 4 – Believing that we were all in this hell together making it easier to deal with.I should have realised that this behaviour was unacceptable but allowing the status quo is a human default position, however, and finding ANYTHING that makes that easier to cope with is grabbed hold of.
RED FLAG 5 – Always assuming things would get better. Every job has its ups and downs, and during a difficult stage you always believe things will get better. Sometimes, sadly, they can get worse.
RED FLAG 6 – Having every element of your skilled job checked and analysed. Micro-management suits some, but not me. But sudden micro-management of something that you’ve been doing well for years and being put under the microscope and constantly criticised is something else again. Something is not right.
RED FLAG 7 – Moving goalposts. Things change in any job, and sometimes we have to be flexible and adaptable. Ironically, I’m both of these things and deal well with change, but constantly moving those goal posts with many if not all tasks is a big red flag.
RED FLAG 8 – A vicious line manager. We all make mistakes and, even if I had in fact done something wrong, there is a way to inform and even reprimand your staff. Screaming at them, with a bright red face and spittle coming out of your mouth is never the right way.
Several months of living with this constantly left its toll on me, as was about to be demonstrated in a shocking way as I left the meeting…